


Bring Him Back to Me

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Canon Compliant, Coffee Shops, Crossing Timelines, Feels, Fluff, Gay, Happy Ending, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Love, M/M, Magic, Memory Loss, Modern Era, Post-Canon, Reincarnation, Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Souls, Time Travel, Unrequited Love, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 17:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6018391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is just a boy who walked into a coffee shop and met a weird - and untraditionally handsome - man who claims he is a wizard and Arthur is a king or something. However, Arthur finds he quite likes the bloke, so he spends more time with him. Then strange things begin to happen, and what if the wizard from the coffee shop wasn’t so crazy after all? What if he was right…?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crazy Wizard in the Coffee Shop

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

The bus was late, Arthur had forgotten his essay at home, and Gwaine was expecting him an hour ago. He shouldn't have stopped for coffee; at this point he was going to be late for class, forget trying to meet up with Gwaine early to go over the assignment. But for some reason Arthur needed coffee. He wasn’t even tired, it wasn't that, it just looked like a shop that would relax him, maybe mentally prepare him for class. Whatever it was, Arthur felt something pull him into the shop.

As soon as he walked in, he felt an inexplicable feeling of coming home, as if he had been here before. But he was sure he hadn't. The feeling didn’t last long because before he knew it a scruffy man had shoved his way past Arthur to get ahead in line. Arthur was sent right back into his bad mood.

Once he got to the font of the line, the barista, who seemed to be the only employee, was otherwise engaged. The skinny little oaf was so slow Arthur was tempted to just leave - he really didn’t have time for this. The barista had short dark hair that only just covered his ears. He was in a blue t-shirt with a red scarf; stupid hipster. Then the boy turned around. He was gorgeous. As soon as he met eyes with Arthur his face lit up. It was endearing.

"Arthur!" he exclaimed. "It's you..."

He didn’t look familiar. He may have been in one of Arthur’s classes at uni, but Arthur was pretty good at remembering faces. Especially faces that begged for so much attention like the handsome one in front of him. No, there was a mistake. "I'm sorry?" Arthur took a step forward and leaned over the counter. "Do I know you?"

The barista slapped a hand to his forehead. "Of course. Sorry. I... wait. You don't remember me at all?"

"No," Arthur replied, slowly.

"You didn’t happen to wake up by a lake with no memory of who you are or how you got there, did you?"

Arthur looked around to see if anyone else was listening to this very strange conversation. The only customer left was the scruffy one who had pushed Arthur. "You okay, mate?" Arthur asked resolutely deciding this man was probably playing a trick on him.

The other man sighed and grabbed a cup behind him to finish pouring the scruffy man's drink. "I guess I did something wrong... I didn’t think I had messed with the timeline, but I probably interfered too much." He turned to the other bloke. "Coffee, sir." The scruffy man grunted and snatched the drink from the barista's hand. Before leaving, he shot Arthur a nasty look. "I'm Merlin,” the barista piped, pulling Arthur’s attention back to the other side of the counter.

"Um, Arthur..."

"I know.” Merlin smiled. It was a gorgeous smile. Too bad the guy was a bit crazy. "So, you have no idea who I am?"

"No." 

There was a moment of silence as Merlin studied Arthur carefully. His smile faded for a moment when his face changed into a heartbreakingly sad look. He shook it off quickly and continued. "Who is your father?"

"George Howard," Arthur answered hesitantly. He wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything, but the guy had known Arthur’s name. Maybe he was missing something. And for some reason, Arthur wasn’t interested in ending this conversation quite yet.

Merlin shook his head and jumped over the counter, sending Arthur a few paces backwards in surprise. "But you are him. I know it. I'd know Arthur anywhere. It can't be coincidence, can it?"

"I -" Arthur started, but Merlin cut in quickly.

"No. It's not. But they said you would rise again, and if you have a father here who isn't Uther, then you were probably reincarnated."

"What..."

But Merlin just continued. "Which means it is my fault. I knew I shouldn't have..." Merlin took a step closer; he had stopped talking and it felt like he was really studying Arthur for the first time, trying to memorize his face. "It is you. I know it is. I just know."

It was starting to feel a bit too intimate for Arthur’s comfort. Merlin seemed to know Arthur, but that didn’t mean he could allow such odd behavior to continue. "I'm sorry, mate, but you realize how absurd this all sounds right?"

"Of course I do." Merlin scowled. "Do you realize that I don't care? I've spent too long pretending to be human, I need... well, I need someone, but you aren't him."

"Sorry."

But Merlin just smiled. "Yet." Then he disappeared into the back. Arthur wasn’t sure if he should follow. He was just about to leave, and write this off as a weird occurrence that he would soon forget, when Merlin appeared again with a book. "Look."

Merlin shoved a picture book into Arthur’s hand that had a young boy, maybe about eight years old, pulling a shining sword from a stone. It looked familiar, like a dream, but it didn't seem right. Then he remembered the story of King Arthur and how as a child he had drawn a sword out of a solid stone and become the king. "Merlin," Arthur objected, doing what he could to not sound condescending. "These are stories, yeah?"

"This one is. It's a good one. I like Wart more than I liked you when I first met you. Whoever came up with that nickname was a genius. The best I came up with was clotpole."

"Clotpole?"

"Yeah, and this story is really funny. But you're not him. They got it all wrong. I mean look at how old I am!"

Merlin’s skinny finger was pressed against a cloaked figure in the background of the picture. It was an old wizard-looking man...  Oh. "That's Merlin, the wizard...?"

"Yeah. Looks nothing like me, right?" 

This had to be an elaborate prank. Gwaine would totally be the kind of person to set this up. Maybe that's why he wanted to meet early to go over the homework; Gwaine couldn’t care less about school. How he knew Arthur would go into this particular coffee shop was beyond him, but this had Gwaine written all over it.

"Okay, I get it."

Merlin's head shot up from the page. "Really?"

"How much did he pay you? I knew you looked familiar, but Gwaine has so many friends it's hard to keep track."

Merlin gently tugged the book towards himself, never taking his eyes of Arthur. "You know Gwaine?"

"Yeah, he's the one who put you up to this, right?"

The jolt of Merlin finally shutting the book made Arthur jump. In a flash Merlin was gone into the back room. He was out again with a coat and a hat. "Let's go. Take me to Gwaine. Now."

"Um..." Merlin looked almost angry.

"Now," he shouted when Arthur made no move to follow the deranged man leaving his own coffee shop unattended. 

With a shake of his head, Arthur obeyed and stepped out of the shop. Merlin locked the door behind him and began hiking down the street like the world was coming to an end. They walked about a block in silence before Arthur gathered enough courage to speak. "How do you know Gwaine?"

"Same way I know you... it's hard to explain. God, I wish you just remembered." Then he stopped short, causing Arthur to almost run him over. He turned to Arthur with a horrified look. "What if you don't ever remember?"

"Um."

Merlin scowled. "You're not him." He stepped in again and took a deep breath. "But you are." Cupping Arthur’s face in his sticky hands he added, "It's weird. It's like they took all the right parts, made an exact copy, but forgot to put your spirit back. I don’t know what to do with you."

Arthur tried to pull away, but Merlin was a lot stronger than he appeared. "I don’t know what is happening, but you and Gwaine had better explain it soon, because I am getting really freaked out." Finally Arthur won the battle and obtained his face again.

Merlin frowned, shrugging his shoulders as if it was no big deal. He had looked so sad, so hurt, like he had lost someone dear to him, then in an instant it was gone. "I'll get him back. I'll get you back, Arthur. I've already come this far."

He kept walking and Arthur decided to keep his mouth shut until they found Gwaine. Merlin was beyond weird, and there was no chance of having a reasonable conversation with him.

Luckily, the campus was close. Arthur was walking from the bus station where he had passed by the shop, so they reached the library in good time. Gwaine was waiting at a table, tapping his pencil loudly, receiving an occasional scowl from the receptionist. Their Econ class started in 15 minutes; Gwaine had wanted to meet an hour before class, so he was not in a good mood after waiting nearly 45 minutes. His long brown hair looked as if it had been mussed, which was a sign he had been playing with it, which meant he had been irritated. Gwaine had a habit of braiding his hair when he was nervous or upset. Arthur approached him quietly; he didn’t want a big reaction from his already upset friend. And now that Merlin was here, things felt much worse.

"Hey, Gwaine." Arthur tapped his shoulder sending a jolt through Gwaine’s body.

"Holy fuck, Arthur I was -" he cut himself short when he turned and saw Merlin’s face. "Oh shit."

"Yeah, ‘oh shit' is right." Merlin crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. So maybe this was more than a prank. Or a really good prank. Gwaine looked panicked.

"Merlin, I didn’t mean to break the rules... it was him. I couldn’t resist. After Percival left, I had to... fuck, Merlin please understand I didn’t say anything to him."

Merlin crossed his arms over his coat. "The Sidhe told me not to interfere until he came to me, and since you aren't supposed to be here either, I assume the same goes for you."

"He asked me on a date the first time we met." Gwaine offered an apologetic shrug to Arthur before continuing. "I had to keep him as a friend. It didn’t seem right to ignore that."

"What," Merlin exclaimed with little enthusiasm.  "He asked you... oh my god." Then he erupted in laughter, turning to Arthur. "You're kidding."

Arthur just shrugged which made them both laugh making Arthur feel small and stupid. "I was drunk... it wasn't... oh come on, Gwaine, you said we wouldn't talk about that anymore."

Finally the pair settled down and Merlin patted Arthur’s back as a reassuring gesture, but Arthur still was a bit hurt and so deeply confused. 

They joined Gwaine at the table. "It's okay Gwaine, I understand. I don’t even know if this counts as him coming to me since he doesn’t remember. It's just been so hard for me.” He started to fumble with his fingers. “I didn’t even know he was here, though." Merlin’s head fell sadly, and he stared at his hands resting on the table.

Gwaine took one of Merlin’s hands, bringing the other man to look at him. "I couldn’t tell you, Merlin. I knew how hard it would have been for you to stay away."

Merlin inhaled deeply, and when he breathed out, he looked much better. "You're right. I already messed up once, getting us into this mess." Then he looked at Arthur and smiled. "You have been a hassle and a half."

Caught up in confusion, Arthur had almost forgotten how strange this whole thing was. None of this made any sense, and neither seemed to be trying to mess with him at this point. Yes, they had laughed about how he and Gwaine had met, but Arthur didn’t believe this was a prank any longer. Something was going on and he needed answers now. "Will one of you two please explain what is going on?"

Gwaine sighed and looked around. The whole library seemed to be watching the spectacle of the three men in the library. "Let's go outside," Gwaine concluded. They all stood together and found a place outside of the library to talk.

"I assume this means we aren't going to class?" Arthur asked, half relieved that he wouldn’t have to face the teacher with no essay to turn in.

"Believe it or not, this is more important," Gwaine answered with a soft smile. A soft smile? What the hell had gotten into Gwaine? He didn’t smile softly.

There was a bench outside of the library that Merlin had taken over, Gwaine joined him and Arthur figured it was as good of a place as any to talk. "You know the book I showed you?" Merlin started. "The King Arthur story?"

"Yeah," Arthur answered stupidly.

"Well, you are him. You're King Arthur. Well, not exactly. You are a version of him that has come back." Merlin paled. "This doesn't feel right," he pleaded, looking at Gwaine over Arthur.

Gwaine shook his head and pressed a hand to Arthur’s back. "Even if it doesn't work, he at least needs to know. If not as Arthur Pendragon, at least as Arthur Howard."

Merlin mumbled something that sounded like 'what a stupid name', but quirked a smile before moving on. "So, we think you are King Arthur reborn. You were supposed to rise again, out of the lake of Avalon, but well... we will get to that in a moment. Gwaine and I aren't from this time, we knew you from your past life, we just, well, we took a short cut."

"What..." Arthur gasped instinctively. None of this was making any kind of sense, and worse was Gwaine kept nodding as if it did. "Please tell me this is a joke... this is such nonsense."

"It's not nonsense," Merlin pouted. 

Gwaine took both of Arthur’s shoulders in his hands and adjusted his friend to face him. "I know this is insane, mate. I got a lot better at pretending to fit in here than Merlin did. He always was a bit slow, right?" Gwaine’s smile was short lived when Arthur's face remained unchanged. "But you have to listen to Merlin, he can explain it much better than I can."

"I -"

"Please," Gwaine begged, and Arthur willed himself to give in. 

Clearly he wasn’t going to have a normal day today, so he decided to play along. If for nothing else, at least it would keep Merlin from crying - he looked wrecked as hell when Arthur looked back at him. His black hair was disheveled and even his beanie seemed to droop a bit.

Arthur shifted to face Merlin, putting on his most genuine look of interest. "Okay. Shoot, Merlin. What do you got?"

Merlin's eyes brightened a bit at this. God, those eyes. "We met first in Camelot, years ago. You were the prince at the time, and I was your manservant. I had, well, have, magic, but you couldn't know, because it was outlawed. We spent nearly a decade together before you were taken from me by the traitor Mordred. He killed you with a sword forged in a dragon's breath. There was no way for me to save you, except to bring you to Avalon. The Sidhe were supposed to save you, but I was too late." He stopped suddenly, voice ragged and full of emotions Arthur didn’t quite understand.

"Go on," Arthur encouraged gently.

Merlin noded, composing himself. "I couldn’t let you go. I sent your body out into the lake, but I didn't know what to do after that. I stood there, by that lakeside, for two whole days, wondering what I could have done to save you. That's when they came: the Sidhe. I didn’t trust them at first - they did try to kill you once - well, two rouge Sidhe did - but still. Anyway, they told me I had two options: I could travel in time to the point when you rose again, or I could wait for you. If I traveled in time, you wouldn't remember your time in Camelot, but you would know why you rose again. If I waited for you, you would remember everything about Camelot, but have no idea why you rose again. They said I would have learned the reason as I waited for you. Either way, you were supposed to rise again and we were supposed to work together. Not... well."

Merlin looked worried studying Arthur as some students walked past them. "So, what did you do?" Arthur asked, surprised that he was actually interested.

Merlin perked up again and met Arthur’s eye. "I waited for you. Naturally. Except I didn’t."

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." Gwaine laughed when Merlin started to speak, but shut up quickly after receiving a glare from Merlin. "I tried to wait. I waited for you for two years. In that time I learned a lot about my magic and started to realize what 'the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth' really meant. Erm… I don’t want to brag or anything, but I figured out I could pretty much do whatever I wanted."

Arthur raised an eyebrow at this. So not only was this guy mad, but he had delusions of grandeur as well. Great. "Okay..."

"Yeah, so... well... the only thing I wanted was to get you back and -"

"Gaaaay!" Gwaine interrupted.

Arthur shot him a confused look which was answered with a sly smile on his friend's part. When Arthur turned back to Merlin, he blushed but didn’t say anything about it, just continued as if that was the most normal thing in the world for Gwaine to shout. "The only way I could get you back was to travel in time. But I couldn’t go back on my own timeline. You know, paradox and what not."

"He watches Doctor Who, he gets it," Gwaine clarified. Arthur shot him another look of disapproval.

"Go on, Merlin."

Merlin shifted his weight on the bench and for the first time looked very uncomfortable. "Yeah, so I wasn't supposed to go in my own timeline, so I started by going ahead in time. I learned so many new things about the future and things we didn't know about our own time. It was all so enlightening that I didn't ever want to go back. I kept going forward until I realized that I could bring people with me. It was quite by accident, I must admit, I wasn't trying to bring her with me. I brought a little girl from 1964 to 1985. She was a very sweet girl; Sandy was her name. I couldn’t bring her back to where I found her because of my own timeline. We stayed in 1985 for a week, trying to figure out what to do, when I realized that I could just take her back to a time before I had met her."

"Wait," Arthur interjected. "How did you meet her in the first place."

Merlin shrugged. "She was the only one who liked my magic tricks. That's how I got money. I performed in the streets. Most people thought I was a lunatic, but Sandy came and watched me for four hours straight that day."

"Hmm," Arthur hummed. "I can imagine why."

But Merlin must have picked up on the sarcasm because he just scowled. "Very funny, Arthur. I see your prattiness hasn't gone anywhere."

"Prattiness?"

Merlin grunted and rolled his eyes. "Can I finish my story?"

Arthur raised his hands in surrender. "Go for it, buddy."

Another group of students walked past, taking Merlin's attention for a second before he continued. "So I took her back to her parents before she had left them to find me on the street. Technically that made two of her, but the other one disappeared in the future with me when she wouldn’t let go of my cloak. So the new one, the one a week older than the first version of her, stayed and lived out the rest of her days with her family." He finished with resolution as if he was done with the story, but that explained none of what Arthur had expected to learn.

"So, um, how did you and Gwaine get here then?"

Merlin smiled as if he had a secret. Well, he did, that was the whole point of this. He probably had a lot of secrets, but he didn’t need to act like it was the most important thing in the whole world. "So you are interested, then?"

"I want to know how your story ends. That's it."

Merlin didn’t stop smiling though. He continued all the same. "Once I realized I could play with time like that, I decided to go back to Camelot. I avoided my own timeline, but I could still go anywhere the old me hadn’t gone. I started with telling Gaius goodbye. He had passed away before I could return to Camelot the first time around, but I'm glad he got to see me before he went. I then found Percival too, who had left Camelot to find the Holy Grail after everything had happened. He told me that the only thing he had to live for was that quest after Gwaine died."

Arthur snapped to his friend, who was very much alive. Gwaine shrugged and smiled ruefully. "Yeah, I died. Kinda. Merlin will explain."

"Yeah, so... here's the thing. I sorta cheated. I knew that I could do this, because I had figured out that I already had. Percival said that he left Gwaine’s dead body to go and alert you and I that Morgana was on her way to us."

"Morgana?" 

Merlin sighed heavily and went on to explain who Morgana was and the circumstances surrounding Gwaine’s apparent death. He went on to say that after Percival had returned to where he had left Gwaine’s body, it had disappeared. "There could have been a few explanations as to where his body had gone, but I knew how I thought and I knew that I would try anything to save Gwaine, so I did."

"What..."

"Just hold on, Arthur. I can't explain time travel to you and the fact that you don't have any free will. It's too much for today."

"I'll say," Arthur conceded.

Another huff from Merlin escaped his lips before he went on. "Since his body was already gone when Percival had come back to find him, it wouldn't have hurt for me to travel back in time and try and save him before Percival had a chance to get back to him. Which is what I did. I found Gwaine’s dying body, healed him and brought him to a proper hospital in the future where they could give him the help he needed to recover fully."

"Wow," Arthur breathed, actually impressed.

From what he could gather, Merlin was a very selfless person. If time travel worked like it did in movies then Merlin could have accidentally erased himself from existence by trying to save Gwaine’s life. Arthur looked at his friend who noded and gestured for Arthur to continue listening to Merlin. Then Arthur remembered how silly all this seemed, and that Merlin had only thought he had saved Gwaine's life. Right? None of this had actually happened. Gwaine must have been playing along for Merlin’s sake though, Arthur decided. Still, it was nice that Merlin had at least thought that he had saved Gwaine’s life in that way. 

"So after Gwaine was saved I took Percival to see him and they got married."

Arthur looked at Gwaine incredulously. "Another time," Gwaine said dismissively. "Go on, Merlin."

"Right." Arthur looked back at Merlin who seemed sad now. "Well, seeing them happy and together, I couldn’t help but think of..." He trailed off and looked absolutely pained, running a hand through his thick black hair. "God, I'm so glad you don't remember anything, because I don't know how I would have explained this to him..."

"What?" Arthur asked softly, not wanting to offend Merlin further. The other man looked at Arthur with such longing and so much love. It felt undeserving and wrong, but Arthur couldn’t help but want to accept it. It was too nice for him to pass up. Though, no one deserved to be looked at in that way; it was too much admiration for one person to handle.

"I erm... I thought of you. I wanted so badly to have what Gwaine and Percival had, but I wanted it with... Arthur." 

For a moment Arthur forgot that he was supposed to be a different Arthur than the one they had been talking about. For the first time since all this insanity began, Arthur really wanted to be him. "So what did you do, Merlin?" Arthur asked, swallowing the hard lump that inexplicably formed in his throat.

"I went to him." Merlin hung his head low, but Arthur took another moment before he caught up.

"You crossed your timeline?" Merlin nodded and Arthur could tell he was holding back tears, though his head was still down. "So... that's why I can't remember anything?"

"Possibly," Gwaine answered, bringing Arthur’s attention to the other man. "We aren't really sure why you are back. And Merlin didn’t really cross his timeline, he just may have messed with yours."

"This was a bad idea, Gwaine," Merlin mumbled.

Gwaine stood up and knelt in front of Merlin, taking both of his hands. "Don't start blaming yourself again, mate. Come on. We talked about this. Merlin?"

Arthur watched as Merlin looked up and Gwaine wiped the tears out of his eyes. He started muttering something to Merlin that Arthur couldn’t distinguish. Feeling a bit out of place, Arthur stood to give them some privacy, taking a step away from the bench. It all felt too real to be the ramblings of a crazy man, but that was the only logical explanation.

After a moment, Gwaine joined Arthur, looking solemn. Solemn. That was another new emotion for Gwaine. "What the hell is going on, Gwaine?"

His friend shrugged, trying to act casual again. "I know it's a tough pill to swallow. I don’t expect you to believe us right away, or ever really. But if you want me to pretend like nothing happened, to go back to normal, I will. I can do that. Just, don't ask that of Merlin. He's been through enough. Don't make him feel crazy, yeah?"

"But he is... Right? Crazy?"

Gwaine bit his lip and shook his head guiltily. "I'm not going to call Merlin a liar. I'll lie to you about whatever you want me to, so you can feel normal again, but I won't call Merlin something that he is not." Then he broke a smile. "But yeah, between you and me, he is a bit crazy." Gwaine winked.

"What?" Arthur really wanted to understand what was going on, but it didn't seem like he'd be getting the answers he was looking for from either of them. How had Gwaine not brought any of this up before? And what was that about him being married? “Who is Percival?”

"Not someone you should worry about right now. Just go home and come back tomorrow once you've cleared your head. Okay?" Gwaine patted Arthur's back. "Then we'll figure something out. Just, for now, go tell Merlin goodbye and don't be rude." He pushed Arthur in Merlin’s direction, back to the bench.

"Why would I be rude!?" Arthur asked defensively as he stumbled over to Merlin.

The big-eared barista from the coffee shop who was really cute till he unhinged his insanity, looked up at Arthur. "Sorry, that was all pretty weird, wasn’t it?"

Arthur had to smile at the sheepish look Merlin was giving him. Arthur sat next to Merlin on the bench again. "Not that weird. Listen, Merlin, I don’t know what is happening, but I really hope you find who you are looking for, really I do."

Merlin smiled fondly. "Thanks, Arthur."

After saying goodbye and leaving, Arthur didn't go home right away. Instead, he went to the bookstore and bought every book he could find on King Arthur.


	2. Tell Me Anything, Even a Lie

It had been a week since Arthur had met Merlin. He couldn’t bring himself to go to the coffee shop again since meeting him. Arthur had seen Gwaine a few time since, in class, but neither brought it up. He wanted to talk about it, he wanted to understand everything, and as more time went on, the more Arthur found he almost believed them. As foolish as that was. Well, he at least believed that they believed it to be true. Especially Merlin. Arthur had walked past the coffee shop one time, meaning to go in, but he stopped at the door. Looking in the window, he could see Merlin cleaning the tables with an old rag sort of dancing as he worked. He looked so innocent and approachable with his mismatched clothes that seemed a bit out of place, but still seemed so fitting. Just seeing him like that, no one would have ever guessed that the man thought he was a wizard from a long time ago.

In the week that passed, Arthur had done a lot of reading up on King Arthur. He wasn’t exactly sure why, he just wanted to understand the story better. If this was where Merlin had pulled his delusions from, them maybe Arthur could understand his mind. The problem was, none of the stories he had found resembled anything close to what Merlin had told him that day. They were fascinating, nonetheless. In a weird way, Arthur sort of wished he was King Arthur. The more he read the more he wanted to help Merlin out in finding this Once and Future King. Maybe he believed the stories just enough to lend a hand. Maybe he just wanted to play along because he was bored of the monotony of school. Or maybe he wanted to show Gwaine that he could actually focus on something good for once. But if Arthur was being honest, really truly honest, he was doing it to spend more time with Merlin.

There really was no logical explanation for it. Merlin had given Arthur every reason to run far away from him. But Arthur was simply intrigued by the oddness of it all. Not only that, but he was interested in Merlin despite all the rambling and crazy talk. He was cute. Arthur really did try and do get his mind off Merlin. He did. But the more he tried to distract himself, the more he would read Arthurian Legend, which of course would automatically bring his thoughts right back to Merlin. So Arthur decided to give up the fight and just let things happen naturally. That’s how he found himself outside of the coffee shop for a third time, this time with a copy of Le Morte D'arthur in his hand.

"Arthur!" Merlin practically fell over the counter to make his way to the entrance of the coffee shop. "You're back! I mean... erm... hi." He waved sheepishly, cutting himself short from what looked to be an attempt at a hug. 

The coffee smell and the sight of Merlin were more than welcoming enough to make Arthur feel at ease. He thought talking to Merlin again would make him nervous - he couldn’t imagine he would be good with the whole ‘mentally unstable’ thing. But then again, Merlin didn’t seem unstable. Yes, literally he was a bit unstable, but Merlin just seemed sad most of the time, not so much confused or lost like Arthur imagined a person with an actual mental affliction would behave.

"How are you, Merlin?" 

Merlin’s eyes went directly to the book in Arthur’s hand. "You're reading..." He beamed up at Arthur and took his hand. "Come here."

Ignoring the customers at the counter, Merlin pulled Arthur to the back of the shop. Behind all the coffee machines, there was a back storage room. It looked like it was a typical pantry for what you'd expect to be in the back of a coffee shop, but further back, it looked more like a study. There was a line of bookshelves on either wall, all different sizes and ages, from the looks of it. Merlin shoved Arthur in and glanced around quickly before pulling a book from the shelf and handing it to Arthur. "Read that while I finish up here. I'll be right back." 

Merlin rushed off to the front of the shop again. Now alone, Arthur looked down at the book Merlin had handed him. It was titled King Arthur in Legend and History. Arthur hadn’t found this particular book in his search, but it didn't seem to be anything special compared to the others he had read. Decidedly, Arthur sat on the small step stool in the back of the room and read the book Merlin had handed him.

It was another half hour before Merlin came back, though the book had kept Arthur occupied enough in his absence. Arthur had hardly noticed that time had passed so quickly, he was actually enjoying the read now that he had some basic understandings of the legends. 

"Like it?" Merlin asked, leaning against the shelves.

"Yeah, I like how he includes what is legend and what is actually based off history. I've had trouble figuring out the difference in my reading so far."

Merlin smiled brightly and sank to the across form Arthur. "So you've been reading a lot?" He motioned a hand to the copy of Le Morte D'arthur that was now on the floor by Arthur’s feet.

Arthur picked up his book. "Yeah, I want to know what people think of me." He winked at Merlin.

Unexpectedly, Merlin scowled at that. "I know you don't believe me. And that's fine. I don’t expect you to. It's nothing like you've ever experienced before so don’t worry about me getting upset.  I'm not offended. I know how strange this must seem to you."

"Sorry," Arthur whispered as he hung his head to look at the books in his hand. “I wasn’t -”

Merlin waved his hand as if he was shooing away a fly. "Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. It's mine anyway."

Arthur's head shot up so quickly he almost hit his head on the shelf behind him. "What? No, come on. I don’t think that's true."

Merlin’s mouth turned up a bit, but it didn't quite reach a smile. "Arthur, really, it's fine. I was just overwhelmed by seeing you the other day. It threw me off. I've been hoping for so long that I could see you again and that you'd just know immediately. Everything. But that's not how things work. You have to work for something you really want."

For a moment Arthur wondered if they were still talking about the same thing. He simply nodded at Merlin then flipped through Le Morte D'arthur. "You know, all the legends say that Arthur will return when he is most needed."

Merlin nodded eagerly. "It's true. The Sidhe and Kilgharrah said the same thing. I've wondered what that could mean for a long time. The world isn't really setup to need a king anymore. But we do need a savior."

Arthur’s eyes grew wide and he wondered if Merlin was suggesting that Arthur was going to be that savior. Of the world. The whole world. Not knowing what else to say, Arthur just laughed uncomfortably and looked down at his book again. Merlin placed a hand on Arthur, rubbing a small circle in his jeans before he stood up and walked back to the pantry. Arthur followed him curiously. Merlin really was a mystery, but that was something that Arthur really liked about it. Merlin came back with two scones. "Here." He handed one to Arthur and sat down in the same place as before.

They sat in silence for a time, eating, when Arthur felt he needed to break the silence. "So you own this shop?"

"Yes. I've been here for a year now. It wasn't too hard to forge a credit score. You can do whatever you want with a good credit score, apparently. It's really just numbers and I can make the numbers say whatever I want." He looked at Arthur who was probably not offering the best look as a response. "I know, it's wrong. But I needed money and this was the time period that was most likely to have you based on what I could find out from the Sidhe. Don't be mad, Arthur."

"Why would I be mad?" It was a strange thing to add. Of course Merlin didn't have ill intentions, and as he said, he needed some way to make money. If he had really come from before medieval times, then he wouldn’t have many skills that could make him a lot of money here. It made sense. Well. It made sense if those were actually the circumstances. Anyway, Merlin couldn’t possibly have bad intentions, how ever he had actually attained a coffee shop it wasn’t through theft or dishonesty.

All Merlin did was shrug at that. "I don’t know. Sorry, I still expect you to be him."

"Sorry," Arthur spouted again. He found himself saying that a lot lately. He wanted to help Merlin, he did. There just didn’t seem to be any way to do that that didn’t involve taking him to a proper doctor. And Arthur didn't want to do that. Merlin shouldn’t be locked up. Even if he was crazy, Merlin had a special spirit that would have been wrong to hide away. He wasn’t hurting anyone. He wasn’t putting anyone else in danger. He just believed he was a wizard searching for a king. That wasn’t too bad. Everyone has their quirks.

"You're in school right?" This pulled Arthur out of his thoughts and it took him three whole seconds to process what Merlin had said.

"Um. Yes. I'm working on my second degree. My first degree was Humanities, but now I am working on my masters in Political Science."

Merlin looked us as if he were calculating something. "So you are... what 26?"

"25," Arthur corrected instinctively.

Merlin’s eyes grew wide. "Really? Me too. That's weird. I'm used to you being older."

It was endearing in a way. Arthur found he was drawn to older men, usually, but Merlin was already so different than anyone he had been interested in before. "Well you can time travel again and I can be any age you want." Arthur wagged his eyebrows to convey his joke, but it fell flat on Merlin. The other man just broke eye contact and sighed. "Shit. No I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry, Merlin." Arthur took Merlin’s hand and squeezed it till the other man looked up at his again.

"What?" He scooted in closer and studied Arthur closely. "Hmm, that’s odd."

"What?" Arthur asked, suddenly uncomfortable.

Merlin got up to his knees to get a closer look at Arthur. "You’re sweeter than him." He paused and must have realized that he was insulting Arthur in some form, though it didn't feel like an insult at all. "Not, that he wasn't sweet. No, I didn't... it's just, he had a much harder time with the whole ‘making me feel wanted’ thing."

"I make you feel wanted?" Arthur questioned slowly. 

Merlin sat back on his feet and shook his head regretfully. "Sorry, yeah, that was weird. I don’t know how I'm supposed to act around you. Sometimes I think I'm talking to him, other times I remember... it's just a bit confusing."

"Hey, Merlin." Arthur moved to the floor with Merlin and grabbed both of his shoulders. "Talk to me how you want to talk to me. I don’t mind. I just like talking to you. Yeah?"

If Merlin’s eyes grew any wider they may have fallen out. "Yeah," he repeated. 

"Good.” Arthur smiled. “Now tell me about Camelot."

Merlin hesitated, then he cleared his throat, still serious. "Right. What do you want to know?"

"Everything," Arthur answered with genuine interest.

Then Merlin went on to tell Arthur about every tournament Arthur had fought in where Merlin had to save his life. He told him about Guinevere and her betrayal and about Lancelot and his death. He talked about Uther and what kind of King he was and about the Great Purge. He talked about battles and monsters and dragons and destinies. It was so much more beautiful to listen to the tales coming from Merlin rather than reading them in a book. While he was talking, Arthur couldn’t help but get swept up in it and fall a little bit in love with the stories. 

After some time, Merlin finally brought up his magic. "I burst into the room saying that I was the sorcerer, because I was, and everyone just looked at me like I was mad. I was ready to deal with the consequences for what I had done, but you wouldn't let me tell the truth. You didn’t believe that I was capable of magic. It hurt a lot at the time, but it's for the best that you did what you did because otherwise I would have died then."

"So you had magic the entire nine years I knew you and I never found out?"

Merlin shrugged. "I always wondered if you knew anyway, but I told you right before you died. I don’t know why I didn't tell you sooner. There is a lot I wish I had said."

Arthur reached out, just to touch Merlin. "I understand, it must have been hard trying to hide your feelings for him as well as your magic. I can't imagine how hard that must have been seeing as he was your best friend."

"I, erm. My feelings? What..." Merlin chuckled unconsciously. "I didn't..."

Arthur knew he should apologize for his comment, clearly Merlin didn’t want to talk about it, but his uncomfortableness was sweet and endearing and well, Arthur couldn’t help it. "Merlin," he warned fondly, "It's pretty obvious. And if I am anything like him, I can assure you the feeling was mutual."

That comment made Merlin stand up, look at Arthur briefly, then walk to the front of the shop again. Arthur followed, taking his book with him. He had probably overstepped a boundary. Merlin liked King Arthur, possibly, but that didn’t meant he liked Arthur Howard. When he got to the font with Merlin, he noticed Merlin was cleaning the coffee machine with determination. Arthur didn’t really know what to say, so he just stood there like a fool for a moment. Finally, Merlin gave up and he looked at Arthur with such a deep sadness, Arthur felt that maybe his heart had broken too.

"I keep telling myself you are not him. Because you're not. Even if you will be him, you are not him right now, and I can't allow myself to go there with you... it's too hard. Because I lost him, Arthur. He died in my arms begging me to hold him. And that's the memory I want to hold onto. If I let myself get to a place with you that crosses into something deeper than he and I shared, then what happens when you regain your memories and don't reciprocate those feelings any more? It's better if I go on never knowing what I missed with him than to only have it for a short time with you."

Arthur swallowed hard. Whatever he was expecting Merlin to say, it certainly wasn't that. As much Arthur wanted to insist that Merlin had nothing to fear, the reality Merlin had created was real to him, and Arthur didn’t want to hurt the other man anymore than he clearly was hurting. He’d be taking advantage of Merlin’s feelings for someone else and hoping that they would transfer to him. No, Merlin was right. They shouldn’t do this. "Okay," he conceded. "We will just be friends."

"Friends," Merlin agreed, offering his hand, with a unsure smile.

Arthur shook it with his own smile creeping up on his face. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it would have to do. Merlin’s hand was worn and smooth all at once and his fingers seemed to fit so perfectly into Arthur’s grasp. Then Merlin smiled back at him like he meant it and Arthur really resented what they were shaking hands on. He acknowledged the irony of that.

"Let's go get something to eat. Are you hungry?" Arthur said, instead of letting his mind linger on the thought of where Merlin had touched his hand.

Merlin nodded with nearly his whole body and then gave Arthur a sweet grin. "I'm starving."

They went to a restaurant across town for Chinese food. Gwaine gave Arthur a call when they sat down, but Arthur quickly ignored it. He didn’t want any distractions. Yes, he had agreed to be just Merlin's friend, but why did that have to mean he had to share Merlin? He enjoyed the other man's company regardless of if it was a date or not and he didn’t want Gwaine to take him away from that.

"So," Merlin began once they had ordered their food. "Now that I've told you all about myself, I want to hear about you."

"What do you want to know? I'm not all that interesting."

Merlin smiled and pinched his napkin nervously. "It will interest me, I'm sure of it."

"Well, I was born in Luton. My father owned a small book store and my mother made stained glass windows. We weren't really well off at all my whole life. I never expected much from life till I found I had a skill for football. I earned myself a full scholarship for it, but now my school is paid in full by academic scholarships." Arthur blushed. He hadn’t meant to sound as if he were bragging. "My dream is to create an organization that will help underprivileged kids. Like an after school program or something, but with more one on one time with the kids, you know?"

"That's really neat, Arthur," Merlin assured, with more yearning get than he had probably intended. "I'm sure you’d be great at that.”

I hope so,” Arthur agreed.

Merlin looked down at his napkin again and softly said, “I’m so proud of you."

Arthur wasn’t sure if Merlin was proud of him, or the other Arthur, but the feeling he got from hearing those words was too good to pass up. "Thanks, Merlin."

"Tell me about your family." The waiter came over with two steaming plates and there was a momentary silence as each enjoyed their first bite.

Between chewing, Arthur answered, "My dad is much older than my mom. He is nearly 68 and my mother is 47. In my dad's first marriage he had a daughter, but we don't talk to her much. She lives in Winchester with her mom."

Merlin looked a bit concerned. "What's her name?"

"Bethany." That's seemed to clear up any worry Merlin seemed to have. So Arthur continued. "I was glad to move to Cambridge for school, but I miss home sometimes. I try and see my parents as often as possible, but it's getting harder and harder the busier I get."

Merlin nodded, as if he understood. "You are so different than him."

"Is that bad or good?" Arthur wondered, more to himself.

Merlin smiled crinkling his eyes slightly. "It's just different. Go on."

"Well, I don’t really have much to say. What about you? Where are your parents?"

Merlin frowned, but kept his eye on Arthur. "Well, my mother is back in Ealdor, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her all that had happened to me; I didn’t want to worry her. Sometimes I visit, but really I shouldn't. It corrupts my timeline. And my dad... well, I didn’t really know him." With his statement about his father, Merlin’s head fell.

Not wanting to push the subject,  Arthur decided to let it fall. If Arthur had learned anything about Merlin in the short time of knowing him, Merlin would not hesitate to talk about something that he wanted to talk about. They ate in silence till both of their plates were empty. 

"Let's get out of here." Merlin pushed his plate away and rubbed his stomach. As his hand moved upward, it pulled his shirt with it and Arthur caught a glimpse of the peppered hair along his flat belly.

Realizing he was staring, Arthur’s head snapped up to find Merlin smirking at him. "All right,” he agreed, remembering too late to respond. “I know of a really cool place to go. It's not too far from here," Arthur suggested. Then he paid for the food, and they left the restaurant shortly after.

Several blocks away there was a small park that had a bench that overlooked the school. It wasn't much of a view, but with the sun setting, it would be a very nice place to sit and continue this... whatever this was. It's wasn’t a date, Arthur reminded himself. 

When they reached the bench they had apparently both ran out of conversation topics. Neither had spoken for quite some time. Arthur knew he was getting himself into something he shouldn't have allowed himself into. The way the fading light of day played across Merlin’s sharp features, and the way his skinny body disappeared into his layers and layers of clothing, and the way he watched the view as if it were moving or dancing, whatever it was - all of it or none of it - something made Arthur feel an uncontrollable need to lunge forward and catch Merlin in a kiss.

"I want to kiss you," Arthur admitted, idly.

Merlin just blinked at him as if he had no idea what he was going to say to that. The slight hesitation was enough to make Arthur’s heart flutter. "Arthur..." Merlin breathed. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

"I know. I know we said we would be just friends, but I like you. I like you a lot. You're sweet and funny, and a bit clumsy, but I think you are adorable beyond reality. And I don’t care if you think I’m a king, or a strange boy from Luton, I just like spending time with you and I want to kiss you." Arthur smiled inwardly about how honest he had been. It was exhilarating admitting your feelings for someone and he felt like maybe it would be worth it for Merlin.

Yet, Merlin just shook his head. "You aren't him. I know own it's stupid, because you are kind and romantic and you aren't afraid to tell me how you feel. You don't make fun of me or call me idiot or order me about. You have his eyes and his smile. You have everything but his soul. As much as I want to kiss you right now, you still aren't him. Even if you remember everything, you will still be from 2015 and just have some memories of a dead man. You won't have his scars from his battles, you won't have his bad haircut, you won't have his freckles from the sun in Camelot, you won't have his heart because you were raised differently and actually have some manners." He laughed bitterly at that. Then he took Arthur’s hand and locked his eyes with Arthur's. "It's just not fair to either of you. I don’t know how to have both."

Arthur’s hands were trembling in Merlin’s and he hoped the other man didn’t notice. "I understand," he mumbled quickly. "I don’t think I could be him even if I wanted to, and I'm sorry for that. But the fact is: I like you. If I, Arthur Howard, am not good enough, then I won't push the subject any further."

Merlin shook his head as he repressed a tearful smile. "That's so, Arthur. You know?"

"What?"

Merlin shrugged. "You're insecurities are the same." Arthur just frowned as Merlin took a beat to look Arthur over again. "Arthur," he asked finally.

"Yes, Merlin."

"You are good enough, you know that right? I think that's what the problem is. I like you so much, yet I don't want him to fade away because of you."

Arthur looked down at his hands. "Okay."

"I wasn't finished," Merlin interjected. "I will always love him, but I find it hard to pass this up. Because no matter which version it is of you, I think I'm always going to fall for you. I really like this version of you.” Merlin sighed heavily as if making a difficult decision. “I take back what I said before about never knowing what I missed. I want you, and even if it's only for a short time, I'd rather have it for a moment than not at all."

Arthur couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on his face. He leaned forward and waited for Merlin to close the gap. In that quick moment, as their lips brushed together, Arthur knew that he was completely taken by this crazy man who thought he was a wizard from another time. Arthur let himself sink into the kiss more and more forgetting his apprehensions. For just a moment, he allowed himself to believe that what Merlin had said about destiny was true. This had to be fate; nothing else in this world could have been so great.

Merlin pulled away first. His hands were tangled in Arthur’s hair. His breathing was rapid and his lips were still parted and red. He smiled at Arthur innocently. "That was definitely worth the wait," he confessed.

Then it hit him. Merlin was kissing Arthur from Camelot - or at least that's what Merlin believed. It wasn't Arthur Howard whom Merlin looked at with such an adoring gaze, it was Arthur Pendragon. This wasn’t right. Despite him telling himself this was wrong, Arthur had taken advantage of a seriously confused young man. To think that in such a short time Merlin could have felt as strongly about him as he did Merlin was idiotic.

"Merlin, I think... Merlin, I need to know. What does this mean to you? Are you happy because it's me, or because it's him."

"Arthur it's not that simple..."

Of course it wasn't, because it wasn't right. This was so wrong. "I’m not him. What if I never remember? What if I turn out to be some guy who just happens to look like him?"

“Fine.” 

“What?”

Merlin scooted across the bench and studied Arthur with a scowl. "I always wanted Arthur to kiss me like that."

"That's what I thought -"

"But," Merlin corrected, loudly, holding up a finger to Arthur’s lips. "I'm so glad it was you."

Logic be damned. That was the best answer Arthur could have ever asked for. "Fuck it," Arthur huffed right before taking Merlin's lips into his own.


	3. In Order to Find What is Lost, You Must First Lose It

Dating Merlin was like dating an incredibly old child. Merlin had a way of acting really young, while also having wisdom beyond his years. The following three weeks had gone by so quickly, Arthur hardly realized so much time had passed. He had planned on getting Merlin help at some point, even just so he’d have someone to talk to about what he was going through. Merlin didn’t seem like he was interested the one time Arthur had brought it up, so he didn’t push it after that. Eventually, time with Merlin just seemed too natural to try to fix anything and soon Arthur didn’t feel like he needed to. Merlin didn’t need to change who he was, because he hadn’t expected Arthur to change either.

Each time they got together with Gwaine, however, most of their conversation was centered around Camelot or about how to get Arthur to remember. Soon that became the norm. They would meet up in a library or at the coffee shop and fill Arthur in on all the details. It seemed to help Merlin a lot the more they did this, but in private Merlin didn’t bring up Camelot at all. Arthur appreciated that. The more he learned about Merlin’s story though, the more he wished he was actually King Arthur. He wanted to be that, even if it was just for Merlin's sake. Yes, he liked that Merlin liked him as he was, but he couldn’t ignore the light in Merlin’s eyes whenever he talked about the Arthur from Camelot. It was inexplicable, and something Arthur knew Merlin was unaware of.

Gwaine was beyond excited when Arthur told him that he and Merlin had started dating. He actually jumped up and down in delight, clapping his hands like a child. He said that they were destined to be together and that he knew that the first time he had met them at that pub. Later Merlin told him about how he and Arthur had met Gwaine back in Camelot. It was odd finding out new information about his friend who he had thought he knew. Each time Arthur learned something new about Gwaine, something else seemed to click. Gwaine was beginning to make a little bit more sense to Arthur. Like the way he studied sword fights in movies, the way he held himself when speaking to an authority figure, the way he sometimes said things a bit more proper than Arthur would have expected him to. The more Arthur learned, the less he thought these two were mad.

It was the same with Merlin. Arthur would come over to the coffee shop and find Merlin doing odd things. One time he was trying to figure out how to fix the toilet and finally gave up with an exaggerated sigh saying that he had never had to deal with this sort of thing before. He didn’t even own a television or a radio. He kept things as simple as possible. Merlin cleaned everything by hand and hardly ever used sanitizer, he prefered soap. He baked everything from scratch and refused to buy anything pre-made. 

Something else that Arthur noticed was that Merlin made a point to never use his magic, at least in front of Arthur. One time he told Arthur that the reason he was early to a date was because he had cleaned the coffee shop with magic instead of how he normally did it. Arthur had asked why Merlin didn’t always do it that way, and he just shrugged noncommittally and said something about habit. Gwaine said that Merlin didn’t want to scare Arthur with the truth, so he didn’t do magic in front of him, but Arthur thought that it was still odd that he had never seen it. Especially if Merlin was supposed to be the most powerful wizard of all time.

One night, Gwaine came over to Arthur’s, drunk and sobbing. Arthur pulled his friend into his flat and got him a glass of water. It had been raining a bit, so Gwaine’s long hair was dripping wet. "What is wrong?" Arthur asked after getting Gwaine to finish the cup of water and calm down.

"I can’t get ahold of him."

"Who?" Arthur sat on the other side of the table, adjusting the tablecloth with uncertainty.

Gwaine was breathing heavily and he tried to slow each of his his breaths. "Percival. He hasn't gotten back to me since we found you."

Gwaine talked very little about Percival. Every time Arthur brought up his friend's husband, Gwaine would change the subject. All Arthur knew - because he had finally gotten Merlin to tell him - was that Percival didn’t like modern life much. Once Gwaine had gotten out of the hospital and they had gotten married, Percival began to sink into himself. With few options, they had decided that Percival would go searching for Arthur on his own. He convinced Gwaine to stay with Merlin because Merlin needed him more, but they were certain that Percival just needed some time to process things, so Gwaine allowed it. After several weeks of processing, Percival sent a letter explaining to them that he wouldn’t come back till they had found Arthur. He said he felt pretty confident about where his search was taking him, and he wanted to continue without distractions. He assured them he would return if they had any luck, but he just needed the time away.

Gwaine had taken it pretty hard at first, but soon he accepted his husband's decision and found a life of his own with Merlin. They kept in contact with Percival through letters sent to a church; apparently Percival refused to use any technology and didn’t want Merlin and Gwaine to know his exact location. Overall, Merlin made it sound like Percival was fine and happy with his decision. From the outside, however, Arthur could only speculate with his own interpretation. Gwaine seemed miserable whenever Percival’s name came up, and if Percival was so happy, why didn’t he ask Gwaine to come with him?

Gwaine sniffed back another sob and Arthur was pulled back in the moment. Gwaine, who Arthur was convinced up until recently had no feelings, was sitting before him crying. Admittedly, he was drunk, but still, this was a heartbroken man before him. "Maybe he hasn't checked his mail box?" Arthur offered, knowing how useless that suggestion was.

Gwaine scoffed. "No. This isn't like him. Something is wrong. We need to go find him."

"Okay," Arthur said automatically, standing to stop Gwaine from getting up. "Let's think about this for a moment. How would we even start to look for him?"

"We have an address." Gwaine wiped his nose with the back of his hand, as the remaining rainwater dripped from his brow.

"That clearly has not been checked recently," Arthur corrected.

Gwaine pushed his way up, shoving Arthur’s hand away. "Arthur, you know that it's better than nothing. I can't just sit here and wonder. I have to do something! And I know you'd do the same if you were in my shoes. Back in Camelot, when Merlin went missing, even though you were king and everyone told you there was no hope in finding him, you still went out looking for him yourself. And I know you’d do the same for him now."

"I did?" It was a stupid question, for many reasons. But Arthur felt a bit guilty, not knowing exactly what he would actually do in Gwaine’s shoes. The other Arthur was so brave and heroic; the most Arthur had ever done was a save a lizard from being eaten by a bird when he was seven years old. But he wanted to believe he would do that for Merlin.

"Yes, you did. Arthur, please come with me. You're the only hope I have at getting him to come back." Gwaine’s voice was shaking. Arthur had never seen his friend like this before. Suddenly, Arthur felt the weight of Gwaine's expectations, of Merlin’s expectations, on his shoulders, and it was heavy. They both were counting on him so much, and he didn’t think he could live up to it.

"Gwaine, I... I can’t. I'm not Arthur Pendragon."

Gwaine sighed and took hold of both of Arthur’s shoulders. "No, but you are Arthur Howard, and you are my friend. I need to find my husband and I'm asking for your help."

"Okay, Gwaine. Okay. Let’s go get Merlin."

Gwaine smiled and grabbed his coat. "Thanks, mate."

"No problem," Arthur answered, though he couldn’t even convince himself of his feigned sincerity. He knew he was doing the right thing, but he wondered if he was trying to be something he was not.

After pulling a surprisingly heavy Merlin out of bed, the three of them were on their way to the church address Percival had given them in Gwaine’s beat up old car. As Arthur drove, he became increasingly nervous with each mile that passed. He had let this go on far too long. He knew he wasn’t King Arthur, yet he had let himself pretend this situation was fine so that he could remain close to these two. Merlin was going to get hurt, Gwaine may not ever find Percival, and there was no way Arthur could make himself remember someone he had never been (let alone save the entire world.) He was just not the man that Merlin and Gwaine wanted him to be.

Five and a half hours of driving later, they found themselves in front of St. David's Cathedral in Pembrokeshire. Arthur was exhausted from helping Gwaine drive through the night, and he felt physically ill with guilt. Merlin was quiet most of the trip, only talking when necessary. Arthur felt like he knew that something was on Arthur’s mind, but neither said anything about it. The early morning light was just peering over the horizon as they pulled to a stop in front of the church. Arthur took a deep breath, trying to clear his racing thoughts. He needed to focus on the moment. Find Percival, then deal with the rest.

When he stepped out of Gwaine’s car, as the wind hit his face with an odd familiarity, Arthur felt as if he had just come home from a long journey. Yes, the car ride had been long, but this feeling seemed to stretch past that. Like he had been away on a long holiday, or had forgotten this place from a childhood dream. He looked around, but nothing seemed familiar; he had never been here before. Yet, there was an unmistakable feeling of nostalgia connected to this location; Arthur couldn’t deny that. Maybe it was just a bad case of déjà vu. As he scanned his surroundings, tears welled up in his eyes, inexplicably. He was home. He felt it. But he hadn't been here before, he knew that. But he had, hadn't he?

Merlin must have noticed Arthur’s strange reaction to this place, because he came over to him from the other side of the car and grasped Arthur’s hand tightly. "We are so close," he whispered.

Arthur looked at him, wiping his eyes with his free hand. He didn’t know what Merlin’s vague comment meant, nor did he understand his own feelings, but he knew that something was coming to an end soon, and he was glad of it. His heart filled with a happiness that he hadn’t been aware was missing until that moment. Merlin leaned over and kissed Arthur's temple. Arthur nodded and they began walking towards the church together.

The building was huge. Arthur hadn’t seen a monastery so large in his life. The lawn seemed to stretch for yards. There was a janitor or a maintenance staff member pulling some weeds in the far north side of the front lawn. "Excuse me," Gwaine called, walking towards the man. Running ahead, Gwaine got to the man first. The other man brushed off his overalls and shook Gwaine’s hand. They began chatting easily, Gwaine probably explaining the situation.

As Merlin and Arthur approached, still hand in hand, Arthur heard the man saying, "Fate must be on your side, I actually saw Percival just yesterday and happen to know where he is staying." Gwaine let out something between a laugh and a sob, putting his hands to his mouth as an attempt to catch the sound. His body threatened to collapse, but instead he threw his arms over the janitor mumbling a mix of “thank you” and “God bless”. The janitor pushed Gwaine off awkwardly and regarded him with some apprehension. He gave Gwaine the address and soon they were back in the car driving up the hill.

It was still early morning and they had been driving for hours, but that didn’t seem to phase Gwaine. He drove in silence, gripping the steering wheel till his knuckles turned white. When they arrived at the location, Gwaine breathed out a sigh of relief. He fumbled out of the car, racing up to the small cottage. Gwaine was already pounding on the door before Merlin and Arthur could even get out of the car. A small woman answered the door. As Gwaine spoke, she nodded, then retreated back into the house. Fate really had been on their side, Arthur decided, because they hadn't arrived in Pembrokeshire even a half hour ago and already they had a specific location of where Percival would be. The woman had seemed positive, as if she understood exactly what Gwaine had asked her. A hope filled Arthur’s chest; he began to forget about his earlier concerns of going along with what he had believed to be a charade of sorts. He found he no longer cared, he just wanted Gwaine and Merlin to be happy, and that meant finding Percival. At the door, Gwaine was practically bouncing as he waited for the woman to return.

Arthur felt something stirring in the air again as he walked up the path to the cottage. If he didn't know any better he might have thought it was almost... magical. Then, in the doorway, a man appeared. Arthur froze as a large man hugged Gwaine tightly with a reserved smile on his face. He looked like someone Arthur had known long ago; maybe it was a dream. The man was hugging Gwaine, but his eyes were locked on Arthur. He was dressed in almost rags, clothes from another time - medieval maybe, Arthur concluded. He had a sword attached to his belt, making him look as if he had just walked out of one of those King Arthur books Arthur had spent so much time reading lately. After a moment Percival started walking hesitantly to where Merlin and Arthur stood.

There was no way this was a practical joke. No way it was just Merlin being delusional. There was no possible way Gwaine and Merlin had both just been pretending this whole time. This was real. A man from another time was walking towards him who Arthur felt a strange kind of distant connection to. Something real was going on. Maybe it didn’t make sense. Maybe it defied all logic Arthur thought he understood. But he couldn’t deny the facts staring him in his face. Or more importantly, this feeling of wistful optimism within him that was unquestionable.

"My lord," Percival announced, falling to his knee before Arthur. “You have returned.” Arthur turned to Merlin guardedly, but even Merlin seemed slightly more familiar now. It was like meeting someone at a party and realizing they were an old childhood friend. Gwaine too had aspects of him that now felt more recognizable, as if remembering him from an abstract time. Something important was happening. Arthur could feel it.

“He doesn’t remember, does he?” Percival asked, with irritation dripping out of him. “Gwaine, I thought I told you I didn’t want to be disturbed until you found him.”

“But this is him, Percy.”

Percival glared at Gwaine for a moment, but quickly his face softened. “I missed you so much,” he admitted and he captured Gwaine in another hug. The two stayed like that for another drawn out moment, both letting content grunts and sighs escape them.

Suddenly, Arthur felt as if he were intruding on a private moment, so he took Merlin's hand and looked at him instead. “This is strange.”

“You alright?” Merlin asked. Arthur only nodded, but the truth was, he wasn’t. He felt oddly detached and way too invested all at once. He felt as if his world was crashing and rising at the same time. He felt as if Merlin was simultaneously a stranger and his best friend. And more than ever, he desperately needed to understand why. But the thing that was scaring him more than anything was that maybe Gwaine and Merlin had been right all along. That maybe he was the king of Camelot once and had returned to save the world.

But they couldn’t have been. No. He was Arthur Howard. He was not a brave knight or hero. And he certainly was no king of anything. This wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. Arthur was sure of that. His lip started to quiver and Arthur told himself it was from the wind.

“It’s okay to say that you aren’t, Arthur.” Merlin pulled Arthur out of his thoughts with that look. That look in his eyes that always, no matter what, made Arthur feel safe and sound. Like Merlin understood his every need and would be there for him to support him. It was fascinating how after only dating him for a short time Merlin could read Arthur so well. Merlin squeezed Arthur's hand, which admittedly did help more than it should have.

“Thank you, Merlin.” Arthur leaned in and kissed his boyfriend deliberately. Merlin’s arms snaked around Arthur’s waist, bringing much more comfort than Arthur even knew he needed. This was real. Arthur knew that. This was safe. Merlin was, regardless of whatever else he may be, irrefutable in all regards. And Arthur needed him.

Reluctantly pulling away, Arthur realized that Gwaine and Percival had been talking. “Arthur,” Gwaine bellowed, forcing Arthur and Merlin to separate. “Percy knows of a place that might offer us help.” He came closer to Arthur and tugged him aside from the others. “I know this is all still very strange to you, and you have every right to say no, but it would give us all some peace of mind if you came and tried something for us.”

Arthur blinked stupidly for a moment at Gwaine, then looked at Merlin. God, what was it that was making this such an easy decision? He should think that they were all certifiable, not think they were his most trusted friends. But he did trust them. Of course he trusted Merlin - for some reason he was certain he could trust his boyfriend with his entire life. And Gwaine - he had built a strong friendship with him and knew he could continue to trust his judgment. And if they trusted Percival, then Arthur knew he could too. “Okay,” Arthur agreed. “Let’s go.”

As they traveled - this time by foot because Percival refused to get in the car - Percival explained what he had found. He told them how he had traveled the area for a long time, gathering information, and finding as many clues as he could about how to get Arthur back. He had recovered the Cup of Life. With this information, Merlin became solemn and deeply concerned, but he didn’t say anything. Percival went on to tell how there was no magic left in it and that he was uncertain whether the cup was truly the Holy Grail. Merlin started shaking as they neared the cave that Percival was taking them to.

Abruptly, Percival stopped before they entered the cave. Ominously, he concluded his story with, “But I was able to find a woman who practices the Old Religion. She says she can help us.”

“No,” Merlin mouthed, barely audible, still shaking.

“This is our only hope,” Percival insisted sharply. Then, without another word, he continued on.

Gwaine looked from Merlin to Arthur and decidedly followed his husband. Arthur didn’t know what to do, so he waited for Merlin to decide. “What is it?” Arthur asked.

Merlin shook his head, eyes locked on the cave. “This doesn’t feel right. I don’t -”

At some point Percival had noticed they weren’t following and spun around, stomping back to Arthur. “You have to trust me.”

“You don’t know what you are doing, Percival,” Merlin protested weakly, “This isn’t right.”

Gwaine came around and placed a gentle hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Come on, mate, it’s this or nothing.”

“I can’t lose him.”

Gwaine nodded sadly. “We are going to get him back.”

Merlin sent a teary look towards Arthur, then his eyes fell to the ground. “Fine,” he mumbled and walked towards the cave in silence.

The cave was dark and humid. Arthur hadn’t imagined that it could be colder inside of the cave and out of the wind, but somehow it was. When they finally stopped, Percival called out for the woman they had been looking for.

After a moment, a woman appeared out of nowhere, making Arthur jump. Instinctively, Merlin took Arthur's hand, but he didn’t take his eyes off of the woman who had appeared. “Who are you, and how can you wield such magic?” Merlin spat, with much more menace than Arthur realized the other man could muster.

The woman laughed and Arthur felt a shiver run through his spine. This wasn’t right. Arthur shouldn’t be here. Something was wrong. Merlin clung to his hand, as he waited for the woman to respond. “You know who I am, Emrys. I, like you, am not from this place. I was called here by you.”

“Me?”

“You have tried to cast many spells to bring back your dear friend, Emrys, and to bring anyone back from the spirit world, one must first go through me.”

Merlin gasped in realization. “The Cailleach.”

“I came to your friend first because the place in which you were was thick with stifling air where magic should never be. How you managed to summon me was nothing short of a miracle. Now, tell me, where is King Arthur?”

Merlin shifted uncomfortably, then gingerly stepped forward with Arthur. “This is him.”

The woman eyed Arthur like a piece of meat, then ignoring him addressed Merlin again. “He is not dead.”

“No, but it’s him.”

The woman, who until now, had seemed at most apathetic, now appeared deeply annoyed. “How am I to bring a living being back to life?”

Merlin chuckled under his breath then squared his shoulders. “He doesn’t remember who he is. He was born in this time, and I need to bring him back.” Merlin choked back a noise that could have been a sob, but Arthur couldn’t tell. “The world needs him. My friend needs him.” He looked to Arthur with apologetic eyes. “I need him.”

Arthur was frozen in place. Even if he had the logic to move, he knew he couldn’t. There was no way any of this was possible, yet it was happening. He was terrified, but everything that was going on was centered around him, and somehow he felt obligated to stay. He felt as if it were his duty to stand by Merlin.

“Very well, Emrys. I can bring him back in whatever form you desire, but I will have to bring him from the spirit world. I need a spirit.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. Percival and Gwaine, who had remained remarkably quiet, shifted uneasily. “His spirit is trapped behind the veil, that is what I need restored to him.”

Then it all came together. Arthur looked at Merlin in horror. Did Merlin expect to bring back his friend by using Arthur’s body a receptacle? “Wait,” Arthur protested weakly.

Merlin turned to Arthur, eyes begging. “Don’t be afraid, Arthur. I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know what else to do.

“No,” Arthur insisted with a bit more force. “I am not him, Merlin.” Arthur's voice grew louder, making an echoing sound in the cave. “I’m sorry. I know we traveled a long way, but I have come to find Percival. Not… what is going on, Merlin? Please, just tell me.”

Merlin swallowed back his tears and straightened out again. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Arthur.” Merlin looked pained. “I can’t promise it will even work, but you should only gain memories, not lose anything. I don’t expect you to trust me, Arthur, but I’m asking you to.”

“I do,” Arthur admitted far too mildly. “I do trust you, Merlin.”

“Emrys, this body will not hold another soul. Without an empty vessel I am powerless.”

“Arthur's body,” Percival piped, seemingly out of nowhere.

“What?” Gwaine queried, a bit disgusted.

Percival’s eyes were bright. “In Avalon. We can recover his body there.”

Gwaine made a noise as Merlin took a step backwards and whimpered. They all turned to Merlin for an answer, but he remained silent.

“What is it?” Gwaine asked, finally.

Merlin shook his head. “There is no body.”

“Um,” Percival began.

“I, um… There is no body in Avalon.” Merlin took another step backwards in shame, letting go of Arthur's hand. “After saving Gwaine, I thought that I could do the same with Arthur. I just had to catch him while he was still alive. I um, I went back to right before he died, but I had been with him till his moment of death and… well… both my past self and Arthur disappeared. I’m not sure how I survived the paradox, but… well, Arthur’s body isn’t in Avalon anymore.”

“You did what?” Percival seemed angry and hurt, as if this had affected him more than Merlin.

Merlin sighed and dropped his head. “I couldn’t just sit around! I needed to try something.”

“It’s okay.” Arthur closed the gap between them and pulled Merlin into a reassuring hug. “It’s okay,” he repeated, not knowing exactly what he was comforting Merlin for, but he felt he needed to. If there was no way they could get the King Arthur back because of Merlin’s actions, then Merlin was certainly feeling an underserved level of guilt. Clearly, Merlin hadn’t meant for this to happen.

“You need a dead body?” Percival gritted to the old woman.

She nodded pensively. “Just an empty vessel.”

“No,” Merlin said, much too loud.

“Merlin, if it will bring him back, don’t you want to try?” Percival reasoned, coming closer to Arthur.

“No,” Merlin repeated with more vigor, stepping in between the two of them.

Gwaine made a sound that was close to a whimper.

Arthur’s heart was pounding. He was too scared to move. Why couldn’t he move? Why hadn’t he left all this nonsense alone from the beginning? What had he gotten himself into? But Merlin was here. He felt safer with Merlin somehow, even if he was, in a way, the cause of all this. The wind howled through the empty space and made an eerie noise in the cave.

“He’s just a boy from Luton,” Merlin shouted. “I said no. We are not going to do this!” Merlin had let his tears fall full force now, and Arthur's heart ached, at a loss for what he could do to help Merlin. He wanted to bring the king back, for Merlin, but he didn’t want to die.

Percival looked at Arthur, eyes glossed over with an indistinguishable emotion. He lunged forward, pulling his sword. Even Gwaine’s protests were useless at this point. The world slowed, almost to a halt. Arthur couldn’t hear anything save for a white noise that filled his ears, ringing, ringing, ringing loudly. Percival moved gradually toward him, but Arthur couldn’t move away, as much as he wanted to. Time just froze. He froze. Arthur didn’t even notice when Merlin lunged in front of the sword till the other man was on the ground at his feet and time started moving at regular speed.

Percival backed away, gasping in shock at what he had done, turning belatedly to cry into Gwaine’s arms. Arthur just stared at the shaking body at his feet.

Merlin had just saved his life.

Merlin had just saved his life.

No. No. No.

Why had he done that? Arthur wasn’t the fucking king. He wasn't worth it. He was just the boyfriend that Merlin had only known for a month. What the hell was he thinking!? Merlin had done something irreversible, and now...

Arthur sank to the cave floor, rolling Merlin over gently to his back. Merlin’s blue eyes looked back at him apologetically. “Why?” Arthur shouted. “No, no, no!” he babbled unintelligibly. He had forgotten about the others in the cave and without any notice, tears were streaming down his face. Merlin’s breathing was ragged and he strained to keep his eyes open. “Stay with me,” Arthur begged, which sounded hauntingly familiar for some reason. Merlin smiled ever so slightly, as his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

It was in that painstakingly long moment of silence that Arthur remembered.

Everything.


	4. You'll Always Come Back to Me

Merlin was his manservant. His stupid, idiotic, fucking manservant. He had saved Arthur’s life before, many times. The idiot. But hadn’t actually gone and gotten himself killed. Fuck. Merlin was also the barista from a coffee shop that had thought he was a wizard. And Merlin had magic. He told Arthur that right before…

What the hell was wrong with Merlin? He couldn’t just jump in front of a sword like that. Not for the sake of Arthur Howard, and not for Pendragon either. The stupid loyalty of his idiot manservant. Always following him in the dark, drinking poisoned wine, fighting alongside him no matter what. It was a miracle he hadn’t gotten himself killed back in Camelot. So to have him die now... No. He couldn’t be dead. Merlin was magic, so he couldn’t just die. Right? Arthur's heart pounded, aching to leap out of his chest. Merlin wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be. Emotions finally won him over and Arthur could only cradle Merlin in his arms, letting out a pathetic sob.

He was King Arthur.

Gwaine and Percival were his knights.

He was born in Luton.

No.

Wait.

Arthur shook his head; there were too many memories jumbled inside. Too many thoughts and questions he didn’t care about at the moment. The only ones he could bring into focus were the ones having to do with Merlin.

Merlin.

How could he save Merlin?

He was going to be fine. He had always woken up before. After he had drunk poison for Arthur, he woke up. After he had gotten attacked by bandits, he woke up. He had woken up every other one of the countless times Arthur had worried himself sick over his manservant who just couldn't stay out of trouble. Arthur had seen people survive much worse things in battle and in medical dramas on TV. So, Merlin would be fine too.

Then again, Arthur knew better. Merlin’s life had drained from him. Arthur could feel it. It was like losing his other half. It was like dying all over again. Arthur felt himself start to hyperventilate. "Bring him back!" he screamed to no one in particular.

He remembered Morgana.

He remembered Uther.

He remembered Mordred.

After everything, dragons, Morgana, treason, the Round Table, the Questing Beast, unicorns, Uther, disease, love, betrayal, Camlann, everything, Merlin couldn’t just die here in this dank cave saving his life. Merlin deserved more; he had always deserved better. Arthur wasn’t worth it; he had never been worth it. Arthur pulled Merlin’s body closer and leaned forward bringing his head to Merlin’s. God, this couldn’t be real. Only an hour ago he hardly knew Merlin, but now he knew every inch of this man. How had Merlin done this for him, held Arthur in his arms as Arthur lay dead before him? What had Arthur left Merlin to do? He had left Merlin alone, feeling like this. This terrible aching feeling that was ripping him to pieces inside. How could Arthur have done that to his only and best friend?

"Please," he whimpered, as he clung to Merlin’s still form. “Please, bring him back to me!”

"The cup of life..." Gwaine offered quietly to Percival, but Arthur was soon at attention, looking up finally at the other two men.

"Yes, what is that? Can we use it?" Arthur asked, remembering that he was their king and needed to be stronger.

Percival looked horrified. Part of Arthur wanted to push him against the cave wall and demand an answer from his knight. How had Percival thought killing Merlin would be okay? Or killing the innocent Arthur Howard? But Arthur also felt a pang of sympathy for the man who had just lost his mind a little in desperation to find his king after such a long time alone. Arthur knew Percival’s heart, he knew he only had the best intentions in mind.

Percival cleared his throat. "If we use the Cup of Life to save a life it will take another away."

"Always a balance in the earth. Magic does not give for nothing." The old woman said, still standing in the same place she had been since she appeared. She wore an old ragged robe that covered her head. She looked familiar but Arthur couldn’t exactly place where he had seen her before. Her arms were crossed over her chest, distancing herself from them, unfeeling for the lives that had been at stake.

Then Arthur remembered Lancelot, and what his bravest knight had given up for the kingdom and his king. Arthur had been willing to give his own life that day. He would do anything to save his people. Arthur looked down at Merlin. He would do it for Merlin too, no doubt. But a very soft quiet voice in the back of his mind was confused. Arthur Pendragon was much braver than Arthur Howard could ever be. He was scared, but part of him was so sure of his decision, that Arthur decided to trust it and go with it. He had to. Merlin didn’t deserve this.

"Me. Take me. I'll give my life to save Merlin. Please."

The old woman raised an eyebrow and looked as if she were going to say something, but Gwaine blurted out an undistinguished protest.

"I'm the king of Camelot, you have to do as I say." It was a feeble attempt to gain control of the situation, but for the first time since he remembered who he was, Arthur felt that he needed to play his role.

Gwaine gaped and his eyes blew wide open. "You remember?"

"Yes."

Percival pushed his way over to where Arthur was kneeling, with Merlin still in his arms. "My lord, you can't give your life for Merlin. If you truly do remember who you are, then you must understand that the world needs you right now. You are our only hope for peace. The Once and Future King is worth any life, even Merlin's."

"No!" Arthur stood up and pushed Percival back a step. "Don't you dare tell me what is not worth it. Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth! He is good and kind and a lousy servant, but he is everything the world needs.” He relaxed a little, but didn’t hesitate. “I'm not what the legends say I am. I am not brave or wise. I learned everything good in me from that man right there.” Arthur pointed deliberately to where Merlin lay on the ground. “That man you are asking me to let die is what the world needs right now. It doesn't need me. If anything, the world needs both of us, because I am nothing without him!"

There was a haunting silence in the cave; not even the wind dared to blow in that moment.

"You're right," Gwaine said gently walking over to Arthur. "We need both of you, that's why you can't give yourself up for Merlin."

Arthur scowled. "He's worth it. Don't let him die like this..."

"Arthur," Gwaine put his hand around Arthur’s shoulder. "Think of what that would do to Merlin after he woke up. He has looked for so long for you, it'd kill him to know he found you only to lose you again immediately. Don't do that to him, please. We need to find another way."

He was right. Arthur knew that if Merlin felt even half the same as Arthur felt right now, then he couldn’t leave him like that again. But if magic always asked for a balance, how could they possibly save Merlin without sacrificing someone. It didn’t matter who it was, Arthur couldn’t imagine letting anyone else die, no matter how badly he wanted Merlin back.

Then Arthur remembered Arthur Howard.

Rushing closer to the old woman Arthur asked, “You need a soul, right?”

“Correct,” the woman answered, hardly caring to carry on.

“You let out Arthur Pendragon’s soul and took Merlin’s… so where is Arthur Howard?”

The woman looked almost proud for a second, like Arthur had figured it all out, then her face went cold and rigid again. “He’s in you.”

“Arthur…” Gwaine croaked warningly.

If this was the only way to bring Merlin back, give back a soul to the veil, then Arthur had to do it. Give himself up. Not the innocent boy from Luton, the king. The man who had lived his life and built a kingdom he was proud of. He had died once before, and he would gladly do it again if it meant Merlin would live. And Merlin had Howard. Merlin would be fine. He had seen the way he looked at Howard, knowing that that man wasn’t him. Merlin loved him, and that would be enough. He wasn’t leaving Merlin alone this time. Now Merlin had someone. If the legends say Arthur would rise again, maybe Howard could fulfill the destiny. Howard was gentle and had so many goals, he had ambition. He had a loving family and so much potential. Arthur was just a bitter, broken old king who had never given Merlin exactly what he deserved. Nothing could change his mind; Arthur had made his decision.

Then a soft voice became stronger in his head. No, the king needed to live. He was the Once and Future King. He needed to live on in order to save the world from whatever it was that it needed saving from. Arthur had spent hours poring over books in the library reading about the most just and fair king of all. The world needed a strong leader who could bring about peace. Arthur had grown up in Luton poor; he had no skills or bravery whatsoever. And Merlin had searched so long for the king. He loved the king more than he had ever loved Arthur, Arthur had always known that deep down. It wasn’t anything either could help, Merlin had just known the king longer and had done so much to get him back. Merlin would be fine if the king lived and Arthur died. Well, died? Arthur felt ill. God, maybe he wasn’t as strong as he wanted to be. Would he really die to help save the entire world? He hadn’t been willing a short time ago, but now that he remembered who he was in a past life, he thought that he could be brave too and give something up for the greater good. He could be brave too.

Then Arthur figured it out.

...who he was in a past life.

It was him. It had always been him.

“Take a soul from me.”

The old woman unfolded her arms and for the first time stepped forward, towards Arthur. “One of yours? Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She laughed, louder than Arthur would have expected, the sound echoing in the cave. “Which one? Pendragon, or the other boy?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Arthur said, hoping he was right. “Merlin said I would only gain memories, which I have. You can’t take away memories, can you? It doesn't matter which soul you take. They are one and the same. So, I willingly give my life to save Merlin’s.”

Percival and Gwaine let out a simultaneous breath of shock and relief.

The cave began to shake. Without any verbal agreement it was clear the Cailleach, as Merlin had called her, was performing her magic. She began speaking in words that sounded like the words Merlin had spoken when he finally revealed his magic to Arthur so long ago. The air started to tremble around Arthur and he could feel something within him tug forward. Merlin’s body remained unmoving as Arthur felt his own body move closer to the opening of the veil. He looked back at Merlin and said a silent prayer, to anyone who would listen, hoping that he was right and he would see Merlin again. See that smile again.

That was the last thing Arthur thought right before the world went black.

 

~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~

 

Arthur stirred, fisting the sheets into balls as he turned to his side. The sunlight stabbed at his eyes through the open window in his chambers. In his flat? Arthur pried open his eyes to find himself in his rented flat a few blocks away from Cambridge. He wondered for a moment if it was all a dream, everything that happened after meeting Merlin in the coffee shop. But it wasn’t. He sat up and found that the room was empty. He had expect Merlin to be there, for some reason. It might have been because that’s what he wanted, or because Merlin had always woken him up in Camelot or maybe… Camelot.

Arthur remembered everything.

He let out victorious chuckle. He knew so much. He could sword fight and knew how to work a blender. He knew how many people served in both the House of Parliament and at the Round Table. He could use a cell phone and send a note by raven. He could ride a horse and drive a car. Feeling an odd sense of accomplishment, Arthur let out another laugh, but it died quickly in the stale air around him.

He wasn’t even sure his plan had worked. What if Merlin hadn’t made it?

Arthur threw off his blankets and shoved his feet into his slippers. Before he could even get to the door, it opened.

“Oh, I thought I heard you up,” Merlin said as casually as reporting the weather.

The whole world might as well have stopped. There he was. Merlin. Arthur's idiot manservant, but he was his servant. His friend. His… oh, boyfriend? Maybe. Arthur cleared his throat. “I, um,” he began, but his bravado that he had carried with him as king fell quickly as the urge to hug Merlin overcame his senses. He rushed forward and captured Merlin in his arms.

“Glad you are feeling better,” Merlin said, leaning into the hug. They stayed like that for too short a time before Merlin extracted himself gingerly. “Would you like some tea?”

Arthur studied Merlin’s face, realizing that something was on his mind. Merlin had that look the night they traveled to find the last dragon lord. It was the same look he wore before he told Arthur he would not be joining him at Camlann. Merlin had something on his mind. “What’s wrong?”

Merlin gave him one of his forced fake smiles. It had always melted Arthur's heart in a strange way, knowing it wasn’t genuine but loving the little crinkle it gave Merlin’s eyes. “Nothing.”

“Liar,” Arthur retorted. “What is it?”

Merlin looked at him softly now. “I don’t really know how to ask you this. I’m not sure…”

“Go on, Merlin.”

“Right.” Merlin cleared his throat. “It’s just that, well, how did you save me? Who did you sacrifice? I mean, I don’t want to put pressure on you or anything, I just was wondering what -”

“Merlin,” Arthur said, his tone much more condescending than he had intended. “Shut up.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, a mix of disappointment and solace. “Him. Right.” He shook his head vigorously. “I didn’t mean that I… I just.” But Arthur didn’t let Merlin keep talking. Instead, Arthur pulled him in and kissed him like he had wanted to kiss him since he had first met him. They had kissed before, but not like this, not with the memories of Camelot behind it. Everything Arthur had never said poured out of his lips and landed on Merlin’s. Everything left unsaid between them that day, so long ago, when Arthur was dying in Merlin’s arms was released in that single moment that could have been all eternity and still not lasted long enough.

In the end, it was Arthur who pulled away. “You know,” he said, voice raspy, not fully recovered from the kiss. “I remember everything.”

“Everything?” Merlin squeaked.

Arthur nodded. “You were looking for me?” Merlin just looked at him, a bit worried. “You went back in time to save my life?” Merlin still didn’t move, uncertain of where Arthur was going with this. “You saw Gwaine and Percival together, thought of me, and ripped a hole in time and space?”

“It wasn’t all that dramatic,” Merlin protested.

Arthur let out a carefree laugh. “You are still such an idiot.”

Merlin crossed his arms indignantly. “I shouldn’t have ever looked for you. You’re still a prat.”

Typically, Arthur would have laughed that off, knowing how Merlin truly felt. But things were different now. Now Merlin had seen a kind and romantic version of him. A version Arthur had always wanted to be but never had found the courage to be back in Camelot. And Merlin liked that version, liked him more than he liked Arthur perhaps. And Arthur felt bad. His parents - the bookstore owner and stained glass window maker - had raised him better than that, with more manners. “I’m sorry, Merlin. For so many things…”

Merlin searched his eyes quickly, then his lips broke into a smile that tugged at Arthur’s heart. “I missed you so much, Arthur.”

They kissed again, this time with much more passion than they had ever kissed with before. Merlin started moving towards the bed and Arthur caught his drift. They hadn’t done this yet and Arthur realized just how overdue it was. Both were needy and eager, pushing at each other and pulling at each other’s clothes. Finally, they were both naked and Arthur, for the first time, was given the gift of seeing Merlin in the way he had always wanted to: vulnerable yet open to Arthur, willing and ready. He took in the sight of Merlin’s pale body, not quite as skinny as he had always imagined, but still a much smaller frame than Arthur’s own.

Merlin stopped kissing Arthur long enough to let his eyes fall over Arthur’s body. His face dropped and his eyes grew, fixed on Arthur’s chest. He ran a hand over Arthur’s scars carefully. “I thought you were in his body.”

“What?” Arthur sat back and looked at Merlin quizzically.

Merlin’s eyes stayed on his chest, studying it. “It’s just, you have the same scars. The same… How can that be, if you were reincarnated?”

“I, um, I got this one from a bike accident when I was five. This was from, uh, I think I fell out of a tree. This was when I went fishing and fell in the lake. Dad had to drag me out because I was bleeding too much to swim properly. I think this was from -”

“Wait… you have all of his memories too?” Merlin asked, surprised. Didn’t Arthur make that clear? Maybe he had been distracted by those lips. God, those lips.

“Yes, I… Like you said, I would gain memories, and I did. I’m the king and the student you met in the coffee shop… I -” Then Arthur stopped. It had all seemed so natural up until that point but he realized that he didn’t know which one Merlin had wanted. “It’s me Merlin, it’s still me.”

A noise passed through Merlin’s lips that was something between a sigh and a snort. “Yeah,” His fingers traced the scar the was from the bike accident and… oh, and Mordred’s sword. “It’s you.”

“I have both memories, but it’s still me. Just Arthur.” Arthur hoped to god it was still enough. He couldn’t live with disappointing Merlin.

“Fuck,” Merlin breathed. Arthur wondered if he had ever heard him swear before. “Of course it is. It was never Howard or Pendragon, it was always you.” His face beamed up at Arthur's. “That’s why it was so easy to fall in love with you.” Merlin stiffened as he realized the words he had just said. It must have been clear that both had felt it, for a long time, even in Camelot, but the words had never been exchanged. “I didn’t… heh,” he chuckled softly. “I didn’t mean to say love.”

Arthur moved in closer and cupped Merlin’s face in his hands. “Merlin, I want to tell you something that I have never said to you before.”

Merlin laughed bitterly, but didn’t pull away. “Is it ‘thank you’?”

That stung. Damnit. Arthur had been a real, what was it, dollop head? But he had. He had the chance to leave Merlin with one lasting thing to keep him going after he died, and he couldn’t even do that for Merlin, tell him how he felt. Arthur had been too selfish. Too scared. Too nervous that his last memory of earth would be of Merlin turning him away. But he had been so stupid to think that Merlin wouldn’t have accepted his love. Of course he would have. That was all Merlin ever did, accept, accept, accept. Even when he didn’t need to, or Arthur didn’t deserve the patience, Merlin was still always there for him.

“I should have said it,” Arthur admitted quietly, pulling his hands back. “I should have told you then, I know I should have. I was going to, honestly, that was what I was planning to say. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want you to hear those words for the first time as I died in your arms. I didn’t think either of us could bear it.”

Merlin scoffed and for the first time Arthur agreed with how stupid that sounded, even to his own ears.

“I was wrong, Merlin. You deserved to know. You deserved to know the moment I knew it was true. And I am so sorry that I didn’t have the courage to do it.” He took Merlin’s hand tentatively. “But I do now. I have seen the type of person I could be for you, the version of me you always deserved.”

“Arthur,” Merlin protested weakly, but Arthur continued on, ignoring everything else.

Because nothing else mattered. Not now. Not while he had Merlin here, in front of him. Breathing. Both breathing and alive and just here. He had to be honest. He had to tell Merlin the only thing he ever wanted to tell him. “I love you.”

Merlin swallowed back a sniffle, unshed tears in his eyes, and lunged on top of Arthur. Both kissed passionately until their lips were sore. “I love you too,” Merlin reminded Arthur with a wicked smile.

It was a long time before they allowed themselves to stop and go get that long-forgotten cup of tea Merlin had offered Arthur after he first woke up. After an hour or so in bed together, they finally decided to get up and talk. They talked about Arthur Howard. About what happened after Arthur Pendragon died. About how in the cave, once Merlin woke up, Gwaine and Percival had to drag him away from Arthur’s still body, convincing him he wasn’t dead again. Gwaine had decided to stay with Percival this time. Merlin set up a ride back to Cambridge to get Arthur proper medical treatment. At the hospital, they hadn’t found anything medically wrong with Arthur so they sent him home for some bed rest. Merlin said he had used his magic to get into Arthur’s flat since his was not fit to take care of anyone at the moment - apparently it was filled with potions and tinctures that were all potentially harmful. Gwaine had called to check in once they got Arthur settled in and said he would be by to visit soon. Percival was dealing with things a bit better now that he had both his husband and his king back.

They continued to talk into the night, figuring out what they would do. Merlin said they could keep dating and see what happened, but Arthur just laughed at the idea. Not seeing Merlin every moment of his day after doing so for the past ten years - or what seemed like the past ten years, sort of - would not be something he could handle. Merlin happily agreed to move in as long as he didn’t have to do any of the cleaning. Arthur agreed but said he wouldn’t be cleaning anything either, so Merlin decided that enchanting a few cleaning supplies wasn’t cheating and that meant that neither had to clean.

Arthur wanted to finish school. He wanted to fulfill his goal of creating an after school program for underprivileged children. It wasn’t equivalent to being king, but he knew it was just as noble of a cause. Merlin agreed. Merlin said he didn’t mind working at the coffee shop still. He quite enjoyed the people that came in. He said people were never so honest with him as they were when he was handing them their early morning coffee. He said it was his favorite way to help people. After Arthur finished school, they could find a place to settle down to start the after school program together. Of course, this time without forged documentation.

As for saving the world, well, neither really knew what to do about that. They both would have to take each day as it came, willing to do what they felt destiny was telling them to do, since there was no dragon telling what that was anymore. It could be something they would need to work towards, or maybe it was simply a matter of Arthur pressing a big red button in one quick moment of his life. There was no way to know. But it didn’t really worry either of them. Because they had each other, and no matter what destiny had in store for them, they would face it together. That was enough.


	5. Epilogue

Merlin was pounding away at a bag of frozen peas on the counter when the bag split open and frozen little green balls sprang out in every which way onto the kitchen floor. “Merlin!” Arthur yelled, because this was the fourth time that had happened in as many days, and they still hadn’t eaten a single pea in a week. “Do you have to be such an idiot?”

“Sorry, Arthur,” Merlin mumbled, with very little remorse.

This had been happening a lot lately. Arthur’s temper. He had been trying to get it under control, but memories of Camelot still haunted him, especially at night. Nightmares would wake him often and leave him in a bitter mood, but Merlin had always been there to comfort him and ease him back into a restful sleep. There were days when it was easier. He’d wake up with the memories of Camelot far behind him and his mind focused on school. Those were the easy days. Those were the days he could hang out with the friends he had made in this time and feel like himself again. But those were also the days he couldn’t see Gwaine and Percival.

Things were much easier than they had been two months ago: the nightmares had been worse, he and Merlin were fighting more, and Gwaine and Percival had still not come back. Now, however, things were easier; with Gwaine and Percival only and hour away, set up in a small townhouse, they saw them a lot more often. It was easier to talk about everything that had happened with people who understood what it was like. Merlin was, of course, a tremendous help, but having more experiences to share brought much more peace of mind, for Merlin too. Some days Merlin would disappear - literally - and return an hour later saying he was visiting his mom back in Ealdor. Arthur didn’t mind that much, but he wished that Merlin would open up to him a bit more about how difficult the transition had been on him. Of course Merlin had had more time to adjust than Arthur (and he wasn’t dealing with borderline multiple personality disorder) but Arthur wondered if there were things Merlin chose to keep from Arthur to protect him.

Merlin stared at the peas around him and finally gave in, casting a small spell to clean them all up and put them in the pot of boiling water. He went about finishing dinner and Arthur stood watching, useless and guilty. “Merlin,” he began, but couldn’t find the words to finish that sentence.

“It’s fine, Arthur. I know you’re trying.”

“No,” Arthur protested. “It’s not fine. God, I am trying so hard to be more like Howard for you. I don’t want you to deal with the pratty king all the time.”

Merlin turned from the stove and looked at Arthur with a curious expression on his face. “Arthur, I had to deal with the pratty king for a decade, I think I know how to deal with you.”

“I don’t want you to deal with me. I want to be kind and patient like he was to you.”

Merlin sighed and put down the wooden spoon he was holding. “Arthur, he was you. You are patient and kind. Well,” he smiled, “you are kind. I fell in love with you twice, but both times it was you.” He moved in to take Arthur’s waist in his arms. “You were raised differently, and in a much different time, but I always saw pieces of you no matter what. I can always see the best in you, Arthur. I could see the bravery that Howard had, even though he wasn’t trained to fight since birth. I could see the kindness in Pendragon, even when he called me an idiot. I know who you are, Arthur, and I love you.” Arthur let his head rest against Merlin’s as he breathed out the last of his frustrations. “I don’t care if you yell at me for the rest of time. As long as you love me underneath it all, I won’t care.”

“That’s not -”

“No,” Merlin objected. “Shut up. That’s your cue to kiss me.”

So Arthur did just that.

Things were getting easier, and Arthur knew they would continue to get easier with Merlin by his side. Especially if Merlin kept talking to him like that. He knew Merlin was doing everything in his power to make life resemble normalcy, and he appreciated every effort. But Arthur couldn’t help but wonder if Merlin was really dealing with it all as well as he was letting on. “How are you doing, Merlin?”

“What?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Come on, you don’t talk to me about it much. I hear about your time traveling days a lot, but how do you feel about this time period?”

“It’s fine.” Merlin shrugged.

“Is it?” Arthur questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Merlin went back to the stove to stir the peas and check on his rice. “What do you want me to talk about, Arthur?”

There was a lot. And Arthur knew if he were to ask Merlin any specific question Merlin would answer, but what came to mind first was, “Your mother.”

Merlin stopped stirring. Carefully he turned off the stove and put a top over the pot. “My mother?” he asked, facing Arthur.

“You still visit her. Do you wish you could live back with her?”

Merlin furrowed his brows - in admittedly a quite adorable fashion, with his mouth parted slightly. “No. I mean, of course I miss her and I’d like that. But I’d rather be with you. Here. This is where we belong, Arthur. It’s like when I lived in Camelot, I’ve always known my place was with you. I would never leave your side.”

“I know you wouldn’t, you… nevermind. But wouldn’t you like to be with her?” Arthur closed the gap between them again and untied the knot on the apron Merlin was wearing.

“Yes, and I see her as much as I’d like. But I can’t go back. I shouldn’t even see her as much as I do, but I won’t be able to leave her.” Merlin didn’t stop Arthur from pulling the apron off, up over his head.

Arthur kissed Merlin’s hairline gently. “Is there a reason you don’t bring me?” Arthur asked, trying to hide the insecurities beneath that question.

Without pulling away, Merlin answered, “I didn’t know you wanted to go.”

“I loved visiting your mum, Merlin. I loved seeing your little village, where you grew up, meeting your friends. I loved it.” Arthur pulled away just enough to meet Merlin’s eyes.

They flashed gold just for a second and suddenly the background changed. If Arthur was looking anywhere else he might have been startled by the change of scenery, but holding Merlin’s gaze he knew there was nothing to fear. “Would you like go now?” Merlin asked smugly.

Arthur laughed and allowed himself to look around. It was the same as Arthur had remembered it the last time he was here with Merlin when they were running away from Agravaine’s men. The air smelled good, like cattle and the woods. He recognized the back of Hunith’s yard where he had talked with Merlin once about whether or not they should train the men of the village to fight against Kanen and his men. There were no people around, since Merlin was using magic and had to lay low, but Arthur could hear the familiar sounds of villagers working, kids playing, and farm animals. Arthur let the scene settle before him and breathed it in, one element at a time.

“It’s nice to come back,” Merlin explained. “It reminds me why I am there, to bring about the same peace we had created here.”

Arthur clasped Merlin’s hand, happiness filling him up, all the way to the brim. “Thank you for showing me this, Merlin. All of it.” Merlin didn’t even use magic around him often, so the fact that he had brought Arthur back to his hometown, using magic, and was finally talking to Arthur about it, meant the world to him.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” Merlin asked, with a twinkle in his eye.

Arthur agreed with a nod. He looked down and saw that Merlin had changed their clothes too. Merlin was in his old serving clothes, blue tunic with a red neckerchief and brown coat. Arthur, however, was in simple brown trousers and his deep red tunic. Merlin put him in this shirt quite often back in Camelot and Arthur laughed to himself at the memories that flooded back with all of it. Finally, the memories didn’t seem so bad. They didn’t feel like nightmares anymore, coming back to haunt him and remind him of all that he had lost. Instead, the memories brought about a peace, a quiet nostalgia that warmed Arthur from the inside out.

He was finally home.

No, he wasn’t in Camelot. No, he wasn’t in Luton. He was in a small village - in a time that he hadn’t technically ever been in - and he had never felt so safe. The reason for that was because Arthur’s other half, his heart, was standing before him with his ridiculous grin, holding out a hand for Arthur to take. No matter what time or place Arthur found himself in, as long as he had that hand to hold, he knew he would be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorite fics I've ever written, by far. I am so proud of the work I put into this. It has an intricate plot that I think is more interesting than some of my other stories that are just typical “meet and fall in love” type stories. Also, it's a wonderful fix to the terrible ending of the show. I hope you agree and I hope you liked it. Much love. And as always, comments!


End file.
